Have you ever tried to hold back in saying out clearly how you truly feel, or how you really think in your intimate relationship? Now, that oftentimes happens because of the fear of some kind of consequence, which I’m going to get back to. The thing is that she knows you’re holding back. She may or may not say it out loud, but she’ll she’ll know inside of her.
And you, maybe you’ve experienced that. She’ll look at you and she’ll go, so what’s going on inside of you? What are you thinking? Or it seems like something’s going on and you’ll go, well, no, no, it’s okay. It’s. And and you won’t say that thing that’s really on your mind. It goes for sexuality as well. She may ask you if there’s something you you like or you have a desire of some kind and, oh, you may have this desire for trying this, but you won’t say it out of some kind of fear.
Again. And I’ll say, in some professional relations, you may be more strategic in how you approach this. Probably. So those are different settings, but you’re in your intimate relationship. You can’t fool her. She might not address what’s going on. She may ask you this question and you don’t really answer. And then she might not go further into it.
And you think that you’re off the hook, but you’re not, because she knows that something’s going on inside of you. She can feel it. She can sense it. And what it does is that it’s your loss, of course, because you don’t get to say what’s really on your mind, your wish, your desire, your thoughts, your feelings. But inside of her, it creates a little uncertainty.
It creates a little tension. It creates a little holding back. It creates a little distance between the two of you. Right. So it’s really important to address this for the sake of your authenticity and integrity, and for the sake of the closeness and the depth of your relationship. And before we dive further into it, I just really want to acknowledge you for being here because this is not the most easy.
This it’s not the easiest topic on on the earth, right? It’s it’s sensitive. It’s challenging. And it takes guts to truly try to create a change in this. Right? So I just really want to acknowledge that you’re here and that you’re taking on this challenge. Now, I’ve got three topics, three themes that I’m going to go over. And the first of them is awareness.
The thing is that if you don’t know what’s going on or what the fear is, you’re much more likely to just go with the fear and not speak up. And, you know, it’s really strategic. If, look, if you have a plant in your garden and it it’s not thriving, but you don’t know if it needs water or it’s had too much water or it needs fertilizer or you need to cut it back or whatever.
If you don’t know what the enemy is, what the thing is you need to do. It’s impossible to do the right thing. You might try, but probably you’re not going to succeed at it. So first step is to understand and have an awareness of what is the fear really. And most of the times, the type of fear in this situation.
Fall into one of three categories. So it might be a fear of judgment. So if you say this, what’s she gonna think? Or might she think that you’re too much or too little, or too weak or two, or macho or whatever the case may be, but some kind of judgment? So look for that inside of you. Do you have that inner dialog which is sort of prompting you to fear the judgment?
There may be, the fear of loss that she may leave you or that you lose the connection somehow. The fear of loss is very fundamental inside all of us. So pretty much all types of fear. In the end, it ties into a fear of loss. A fear of loss of of of love or a connection. But again, let’s put some distinction into it.
So there’s a fear of loss. There’s the fear of judgment. And then there is for many, especially males, there is frankly a fear of emotional reaction. So if I say this, is she going to start reacting emotionally? And if you are really comfortable with those reactions, chances are that you’re going to hold back and saying, because what, what, what’s going on inside of you?
Because frankly, you fear that reaction on her part. So those are like the three primary categories of fear. And there are others, of course, but that would take a week. So those are the three most important that I just wanted to bring to you today. So really dive into your own consciousness and look for what are you thinking?
What are you feeling? What are you fearing? Is it 1 or 2 or maybe even all three of these? Not to do so much with them per se, but to create that, you know, awareness of, oh, this is what’s going on. It’s much easier to battle the beast if you know what the beast is, right? So that’s the first piece.
The second thing I want to talk about is the mindset. And there is this old book I, I don’t remember the content, but I vividly remember the title, which is Feel the Fear and Do It anyway. Right. And the mindset piece I want to bring to you is that fear is an instinct. Your brain, our human brain, is wired to look for danger.
And I don’t know where in the world you are right now, but most of us aren’t fighting like saber tooth tigers and all that kind of thing. But the brain is wired to protect us. It’s a it’s a survival mechanism. So it will find things to be fearful of. It’s not because something’s wrong inside of you or me or anybody.
It’s just. It’s just an instinct. It’s. It’s part of being a human, right. So what’s important is that, you know, the slogan just do it, which is really great in some circumstances. But here.
It makes it sound like you can just go ahead and do it. The thing is that oftentimes when you do things, you’re things you’re fearful of, you need to allow yourself to feel the fear. It may be that your voice is shaking, that your hands are trembling, that you really feel that, oh, that voice. Very uncomfortable thing of facing the fear, right?
So allow that to be. Don’t try to, you know, tighten up and just control the fear inside, because this is not a very relaxed place as well. It’s just trying to harness the fear. It doesn’t go away. Instead of trembling, it just turns into being like really hard and tense, which there’s no flow in that either. So the thing is really accept the fact that the fear is there because it’s part of the human nervous system.
What happens, though, is that once you start speaking your truth, even though it’s really fearful or maybe really fearful in the beginning, what’s going to happen is that when you start doing that, you expand your boundaries, your comfort zone, if we want to use that term and so it becomes less fearful, then you may get into want to talk about something else or doing something different.
Then the fear shows up again. It always shows up when you push the boundaries. But the thing is, are you going to let the fear stop you from doing that? Or you going to decide what the right thing is for you to do? Right. So look at it as an instinct. Look at it as this is just expand in your capacity as a human being.
And the last thing I want to talk about, which I’ve touched upon already, is the action part. Really seize the moment when you have that moment of connection with your partner and maybe she asks you the question, or maybe you just have something you need to communicate to her. And if it’s difficult, you admit it’s difficult. Tell her, hey, look, you know, I’ve got this thing, and I’m not used to, you know, I’m not really used to saying these things, but I want to open for this conversation between the two of you.
And so what I really want to say is that I’ve just been thinking about. And, you know, that doesn’t sound very elegant or fluid or or magnificent in that sense. But rarely are people, especially in intimate relationship, judged for honesty. Right. So don’t think that you need to be this macho guy who’s got it all figured out. You don’t need to be that you.
You can be vulnerable. You can be. Your voice can be trembling. And. And you can. It can be difficult to find the right words and everything. Just tell her. Look, this is difficult, but I really want to talk about this. I really want to tell you this. I really want to be open around this thing, or desire or thought or feeling, whatever the case may be.
Right. So that’s really the thing. Seize the moment, my friend, and get into talking about the things and let it be difficult. Don’t pretend that it isn’t. Don’t you know? Open up and be really a tight ass. Don’t. Don’t go there. Just allow yourself to be vulnerable and to be honest around it. She’ll probably love you for it.
And if she doesn’t really appreciate, well, you got to think about if there is something else in your connection that needs looking at. Right. So those are really the things I wanted to talk about to you in this video. And what’s the core of it all is really enabling, empowering you, just showing up authentic and unapologetic as the real you, where you allow yourself to speak your truth, to speak your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts, your ideas, your wishes, your visions, your everything.
Right so that all the things going on on inside of you, they’re also allowed to go on on the outside, right? The authenticity and the integrity piece. So that’s really it for now. If you want to dive deeper into this. Go and visit my website Jacob beach.com/seek for confident and compassionate conversation. I’ve created a free guide there with a PDF with hints and tips and tricks, and a number of videos and audios as well.
So there’s a lot of stuff which can help you on your way to empowering really to get better at this conversational piece, which, if that’s difficult for you and as always, I love to hear your comments, so please let me know in the comments. What does this mean to you? How can you use it in your real life?
What’s your greatest takeaway? That’s it for now. Bye.
